# 9
 A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants  to ask the clerk a question.? As he
turns to go to the  front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside
him and as he  does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both startled  and he says, "Ma'am,if your  heart is as soft as
your breast, I know  you'll forgive me."?? 
She replies, "if your penis is as hard  as your elbow,I'm in room 1221."

*********************************************************


 # 8
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?"
the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," ? responded  the
young man. "6 shots?!?
Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." 
"Well, in that case,  let me give you a 7th on the house." 
"No offence, sir. But if 6  shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing 
will."

*********************************************************


 #7
A  businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be?? seated next to an
absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange  brief hellos and he notices she is
reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she
replies,
"This is a very interesting book  about sexual statistics.It identifies that
American Indians have  the longest ? average penis and Polish men have the 
biggest average diameter. 
By the way, my name is Jill.  What's yours?"
He coolly replies,"Tonto Kawalski, nice  to meet you."

***********************************************************


 # 6
One night, as a couple lay down for  bed, the husband gently taps his wife
on the shoulder and starts  rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says:
"I'm sorry  honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I  want
to stay fresh." 
The husband, rejected, turns over  and tries to sleep. 
A few minutes later, he rolls back  over and taps his  wife again. This time
he whispers in her  ear: 
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

************************************************************


 #  5
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his  wife that he
had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to  stick his penis into the
pickle slicer. His wife suggested  that he should see a sex therapist to
talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He  vowed to
overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came
home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was 
seriously  wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. 
"Do you  remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge  to put my
penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you  didn't." "Yes, I did." 
"My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." 
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the  pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

**************************************************************


 #  4
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for
several years. On this visit he decides to rub her  left breast
instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.
The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good  sign and
suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is
any reaction. The man goes in and rubs  her right breast and  this brings
a moan. From this, the  doctor suggests that? the man should go in and try
oral sex,  saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he
doesn't want the man  to be embarrassed. The man goes in then  comes out
about five minutes later, white as a sheet and  tells the doctor  his wife
is dead. 
The doctor asks what  happened to which the man replies:
"She choked."

************************************************************


 #  2
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he  notices a
huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon
the small  white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3
pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" 
The small white guy faints!! 
The big  black  dude picks up the small white guy and  brings him to,
slapping his face and  shaking him and asks  the small white guy. "What's
wrong?". 
The small white guy  says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". 
The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall,  350 pounds, 20 inch
dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right  ball, my name is Turner  Brown." 
The small white guy says, "Thank  god, I thought you said 
'Turn around. '"

***********************************************************


 #  1
There was this couple who had been  married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast  table one morning when  the old
gentleman said to his wife,  "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50
years." 
"Yeah,"  she replied,  "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at
this ?breakfast table together." 
"I know," the  old man  said,"We  were probably sitting here naked as 
jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered,  "What do you say...should  we get naked?"
Whereupon the two  stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You
know, honey,"  the little old lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as
hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." 
"I  wouldn't be  surprised," replied Gramps. 
"One's in  your coffee and  the other is in your  oatmeal!!!!

 A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. 
  All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
  
  Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord
said, "Because you have  TRIED  to be faithful to me in all ways, I will
grant  you one wish"
  The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii,so I can drive over anytime I want
to."
  
  The Lord said, "Your request is very  materialistic.
  Think of the logistics of that kind of  undertaking.
  The supports required to reach the bottom of the  Pacific!
  The concrete and steel it would take! I can do  it,
  but it is hard for me to justify your desire for  worldly things.
  Take a little more time and think of another wish,
  a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
  
  The man thought about it for a long time.
  Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could  understand women. 
  I  want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when
  they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they 
say 'nothing',and how I can make a woman truly happy"
 
 After a few minutes God said,
 "You want two  lanes or four on that bridge?

  John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal,his mother
couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's  housemate was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his
housemate and this only made her more curious.

 Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between John and the housemate than met
the eye. 

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just housemates."
 
 About a week later, Julie came to John and said,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the
beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
 
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
  
 "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house,
and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains
that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you
'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in
her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now..
   Love,
   Mom
  
  > > >Moral Of The Story  : Never Lie To Your Mother !
 

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting
room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally,
the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid
I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the
worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is
a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure,
semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well,
how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and
$200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward.
Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with
the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to
control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask.

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to
the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to mark down the price of the female brains,
because they've actually been used."
(Kheng)



Money
 
  It can buy you a House
  But not a Home
  
           It can buy you a Bed
           But not Sleep
  
  It can buy you a Clock
  But not Time
  
           It can buy you a Book
           But not Knowledge
  
  It can buy you a Position
  But not Respect
  
           It can buy you Medicine
           But not Health
  
  It can buy you Blood
  But not Life
  
          It can buy you Sex
          But not Love
  
  So you see, money isn't everything. The best things in life can't
  be bought, and often we destroy ourselves trying!
  
  I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend
  I Want to take away your needless pain and suffering...
  
  So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
  A truer Friend  than me you will never find.
  
   CASH ONLY, PLEASE.
  
(Oz)



Happy Birthday

Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that
morning.
I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would
be pleasant and   say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for
me.
She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy
Birthday."   I   thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children 
will remember."

The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I 
started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my  office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss,
Happy Birthday."
I felt a little better. Someone had remembered. I worked until noon,
then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a
beautiful day  outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, 
just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out 
into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and
enjoyed lunch tremendously.

 On the way back to the office, she said,
"You know, it is  such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the
office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my 
apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, 
I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more
comfortable:
"Sure," I excitedly replied.   She went into the bedroom and, in 
about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake,
followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.

They were all singing Happy Birthday.................



......and there I sat on the couch.....  .....naked.


(Abraham)



Monastery of Silence
Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and 
the Abbott said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery; 
you are welcome here as long as you like, but you 
may not speak until I direct you to do so." 

Brother John lived in the monastery for 5 years before 
the Abbott said to him, "Brother John, you have been 
here 5 years now; you may speak two words." 

Brother John said, "Hard bed." 
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbott said. "We will get
you a better bed." 

After another 5 years, Brother John was called by the
Abbott. "You may say another two words, Brother John."

"Cold food," said Brother John, and the Abbott assured 
him that the food would be better in the future. 

On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott 
again called Brother John into his office. "Two words 
you may say today."

"I quit," said Brother John.
"It is probably best," said the Abbott. "You've done nothing 
but bitch since you got here."  

(Michelle)



Toilet
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural
pub.  She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes
over immediately.  When he arrives, she seductively signals
that he should bring his face closer to hers.  When he does
so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face
with both hands.

"Actually, no" the man replies.

"Can you get him for me?" she asks.  "I need to speak to him,"
she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything
I can do for you?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing
him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap
in the ladies room."

(Pat)



If Men and Women Swapped Genitals...




  Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

  

  10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

   9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

   8. See if they could finally do the splits.

   7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping-pong ball 20 feet.

   6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

   5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.

   4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for       without sleeping first.

   3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

   2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

    

  And, the number one thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina:

  

   1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

  

  Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:

  

  10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world.

   9. Get a blow job.

   8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

   7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

   6. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.

   5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

   4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

   3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

   2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs

between a man's eye and the ruler situated next to his member which causes

two inches to be added to the final measurement.

  

  And the number one thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...

  

   1. Repeat number 9.



(Oz)



Nuns




  A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish.

  They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past     

St.Peter.   

  

  He asks the first nun  Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a 

penis???

  

  The nun giggles and replies,Well, once I touched the head of one    with

the tip of my finger.

  St Peter says OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass

through the gate.



  St Peter asks the next nun the same question Sister Elizabeth have you

ever had any contact with  a penis?

  

  The nun is a little reluctant but reply's

  Well I once fondled and stroked one.. 

 St Peter says, OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass

  through the gate...

 

  All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns. 

  One nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. 

  When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says Sister, Sister what

seems to be the rush??? 



  The nun reply's If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, 

  I want to go before  Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!!

  

  (Oz)



Love Dress
  

  

  A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother comes to visit.

  When she arrives, she is shocked to find her daughter standing naked at

the  front door.

 "What are you doing!" insists her mother. "Mom, it's my love

  dress! Don't you like it?"

 "I'll come back in a few weeks when the  honeymoon  is over," replies her

mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.

  

  A few weeks later, the mother arrives at her daughter's house once. Again,

she is shocked when her naked daughter answers the door to greet her. 

"Now  what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my love dress! It keeps the marriage 

spicy!"

  "I'll give you a few more weeks," replies her mother, as she turns and 

leaves for the car.

  

 Later that night, the mother decides to try it for herself. When her

 husband  arrives home, she greets him at the front door in the nude. 

  "Honey, what  are hell are you doing!" remarks the husband.

 "It's my love dress, dear! What  do  you think of it?"

 "Well, to be perfectly honest," replies her husband,

 "I think you should have ironed it first!"









10 good reasons for being...




 TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH

 1 You can get arrested for growing plants, but

 not for smoking them.

 2 You can make jokes about the Belgians and still

 drink their beer.

 3 a. You can legally kill yourself

 b. You can legally be killed

 4 You're exactly like the Germans, except that

 nobody hates you.

 5 You think you are a world power, but everyone

 else thinks Copenhagen is your capital.....

 6 You get to insult people and defend yourself by

 saying it's a national tradition.

 7 You can put your finger in a dyke and it will

 save your country

 8 You live in the most densely populated country

 in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbours.

 9 If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a

 war is started, blame the Germans.

 If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.

 10 Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.



 TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN

 1 You get to speak three languages, but none of

 them intelligibly.

 2 If other countries want to fight a war, they

 will do it in your country.

 3 You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still

 call it beer.

 4 You are either

 a.like the Dutch, just less efficient

 b.like the French, just less romantic

 c.like the Germans

 5 Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate.

 The best beer.

 6 No one knows anything about you, except for the

 Dutch and French and they make fun of you.

 7 More scandals in a week than any other country

 in a decade.

 8 You can drive like a maniac on the road and

 nobody cares

 9 All your famous countrymen are either

 imaginary, or sex-offenders

 10 Face it. It's not really a country, is it?



 TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :

 1.  Guinness.

 2.  18 children because you can't use

 contraceptives.

 3.  You can get into a fight just by marching

 down

 someone's road.

 4.  Pubs never close.

 5.  Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed

 in second Vatican Council

 of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you

 can't have sex with a condom

 on.

 6.  No one can ever remember the night before.

 7.  Kill people you don't agree with.

 8.  Stew.

 9.  More Guinness.

 10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish

 pub at 3 in the morning

 after a bout of sectarian violence.



 TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH:

 1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound

 gay.

 2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup

 for the first time

 3. You get to eat insect food like snails and

 frog's legs.

 4. If there's a war you can surrender really

 early.

 5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those

 late night films on Channel 4.

 6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other

 people's countries.

 7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film

 star.

 8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most

 famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.

 9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just

 shit in the street.

 10. People think you're a great lover even when

 you're not.



 TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN:

 1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.

 2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the

 Reindeer.

 3. You live in total freezing darkness half the

 year and get 24 hour

 ozone-hole radiation the other half.

 4. You can get capital punishment for smoking

 dope.

 5. You can go skiing in your knickers.

 6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the

 Brazilians in football.

 7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere.

 8. You don't need to worry about land prices

 rocketing - its fairly

 spacious.

 9. When abroad you can impress people you meet

 with stories about killing

 polar bears and shagging penguins - and they

 believe you.

 10. You can actually get bored with blondes.



 TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :

 1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.

 2. Warm beer.

 3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of

 cricket.

 4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major

 sporting events.

 5. Union jack underpants.

 6. Water shortages guaranteed every single

 summer.

 7. You can live in the past and imagine you are

 still a world power.

 8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or

 not.

 9. Ditto changing underwear.

 10. Beats being Welsh.



 TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH :

 1. You ain't English!

 2. You ain't English!

 3. You ain't English!

 4. You ain't English!

 5. You ain't English!

 6. You ain't English!

 7. You ain't English!

 8. You ain't English!

 9. You ain't English!

 10. You ain't English!



 TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :

 1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.

 2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.

 3. No need to worry about tax returns.

 4. Glorious military history prior to 400BC.

 5. Can wear sunglasses inside.

 6. Political stability.

 7. Flexible working hours.

 8. Live near the Pope.

 9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit

 hair.

 10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.



 TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :

 1. Glorious history of killing South American

 tribes.

 2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the

 Pyrenees.

 3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans,

 Danes,

 Brits, etc.

 4. The rest of your country is already invaded by

 Moroccans.

 5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims

 it's

 the real thing.

 6. Honesty.

 7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up

 in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.

 8. You get to eat bull's testicles.

 9. Gibraltar.

 10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.



 TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN :

 1.

 2.

 3.

 4.

 5.

 6.

 7.

 8.

 9.

 10.



 Give them a second chance

 1. Oktoberfest.

 2. Okotberfest-beer.

 3. BMW.

 4. VW.

 5. Audi.

 6. Mercedes.

 7. On a highway you can travel at a speed that

 would bring you to jail in

 any other country of the world.

 8. You do not have to learn German as a foreign

 language.

 9. You think Sauerkraut is delicious.

 10.Contrary to common belief laughing is not

 forbidden



(Patrick)




First Time


It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten.

You put  him  off for a while searching for an excuse, 

but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. 

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.



He has had more experience, but it's the first time his

finger has found the right place.



He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses;

but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. 

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him, 

he's done this many times before. 

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room   for

an easy entrance.



You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, 

but he slowlytakes his time, wants to cause you as little pain as

possible.



As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way;     pain

surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of  blood as he

continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's   too painful.Your

eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head   and nod for him to go

on.



He begins going in and out with skill but you are now numb to feel him

within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and

he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. 



He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle that

you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. 



You smile and say

















              " Thank  you DENTIST ".



  After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.



(Oz)



Harley Davidson



Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation,

died and went to heaven.



At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a

good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you

can  hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."



Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang

out with God."



St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur

then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"



God said, "Ah, yes."



"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have

some major design flaws in your invention.



1. There's too much inconsistency in the front end protrusion.

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."



"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God.

"Hold on."



God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words

and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.



"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," 

God said to Arthur,



"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention     than

yours."





(Oz)



Little Kids Should Stay in Bedlittle Kids Should Stay in Bed


For his birthday Little Johnny asked for a 10 speed bicycle. 

His father said, "Son, we'd love to give you one, but the mortgage on this

is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job.

There's no way we can afford it."

   

The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front door

 with a suitcase.

 

So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Johnny told him,

"I was walking past your room last night and 

 I heard you tell mom you were pulling out!!.

 I heard her tell you to wait because  she was coming too!!



 And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an   $80,000

mortgage and no transportation."




(Oz)




The truth behind "mad cow cow disease"


A female TV reporter went to have an interview with a farmer seeking 

 the main cause of Mad Cow disease. 

 

 The Lady : Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information 

 about the reason that causes Mad Cow Disease. 

 Do you have any idea what might be the reason? 

 

 The Farmer stared at the reporter and said, 

 Do you know that the bull fucks the cow once a year? 

 

 The Lady (getting embarrassed):

 "Well sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation

between this phenomenon and Mad  Cow Disease? 

 

 The Farmer : Well Madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times  a day

? 

 

 The Lady : Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about 

   getting to the point? 

 

 The Farmer : I am getting to the point Madam. 

 Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits four times a day 

 and only fucking you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?




(Oz)



Things Guys should know about girls


 1. Don't ever lie to us; we always find out.

 2. We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.

 3. Don't say you understand when you don't.

 4. Girls are pretty, but yours is the Prettiest!

 5. You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like.

 6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook;

 doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.

 7. If you talk about having a big Dick; we know you don't.

 8. Size does matter, but only to hoes; not girls that want relationships.

 9. We don't like it when you act like Mr. Big.

 10. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys not us.

 11. No matter what you say, your ex-girlfriend is a hoe.

 12. It's good to be sensitive, sometimes.

 13. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.

 14. Be spontaneous; dinner and a movie won't always cut it.

 15. We are self-conscious by nature; we can't help it.

 16. We are DrAmA queens.

 17. Fashion police do exist.

 18. Don't ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might get it.

 19. We absolutely DO NOT care about monster trucks, car systems,
paintball,

 or anything else you and your friends talk about.

 20. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.

 21. We don't shave our legs everyday so get over it.

 22. Don't make bets about us; we always find out.

 23. Shave; no matter how cool you think your goatee or beard or mustache

 looks, we hate it.

 24. Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emitt other strange

 gases from your body, it is not.

 25. Don't compare our breasts with Pamela Anderson's; hers are fake, just

 remember that.

 (u have a better shot at ours than you ever will with hers)

 26. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.

 27. We are beautiful at all times.

 28. We will always think we are fat, so humor us and tell us we aren't.

 29. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys, and hit a

 little baseball with a stick,

 so why the hell can't you piss in the toilet and not on it.

 30. Most importantly: we are always right; so don't forget it.




(Oz)




Bush


Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates,

Saint Peter 

tells him, "You look like Einstein, but  you have NO idea

the lengths that some

people will  go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove

who you  really are?"



Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I

have a blackboard and some chalk?"



Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and   

chalk instantly

appear. Einstein proceeds to  describe   with arcane

mathematics and

symbols his theory of  relativity.



 Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE 

Einstein!" he says.

"Welcome to heaven!"



   The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint 

Peter  asks for

credentials.



   Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and

chalk?"



   Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."



   Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a 

truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of  chalk.



   Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist

 you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"





   Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush.



   Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein 

and Picasso both

managed to prove their identity. How can   you prove

yours?"



   George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are

Einstein and Picasso?"



   Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."




(Aurélie)



Italians and Cars





  Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

  The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: 

 

  "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."

  "What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen.

  "Quattro means four" replies the Italian official 

  "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorted 

disbelievingly.

  "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."

  

  "You can't pull that one on me," replies the Italian customs agent.

  "Quattro means four.

  

  You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking

  the law."

         

  The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor    over -

I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

  

  "Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can't come. 

  He's busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."




(Oz)



Sayings





If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 



Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot. 



A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 



My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 



If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 



Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 



No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 



A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 



Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 



Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it. 



Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 



Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 



Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. 




(Tiago)




Computer Gender




An English teacher was explaining to his students the

concept of gender association in the English language.

He noted how hurricanes at one time were given only

female names, and how ships and planes were usually

referred to as "she." One of the students raised her

hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"



The teacher wasn't certain. So he divided the class

into two groups: males in one, females in the other,

and asked them to decide if a computer should

be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to

give four reasons for their recommendations.



The group of women concluded that computers should be

referred to as masculine because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn

them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems,

but half the time, they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if

you had waited a little longer, you could have had a

better model.



The men, on the other hand, decided that computers

should definitely be referred to as feminine because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal

logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with

other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term

memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find

yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories

for it.



Any verdict?? :)





(Kheng)




Top Ten Times in History When The 'F' Word Was Appropriate



1. "What the *&%# was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima, August 1945



2. "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877



3. "Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938



4. "It does SO *&%#ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926



5. "How the *&%# did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC



6. "You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566



7. "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain." - Joan of Arc, 1434



8. "Scattered *&%#ing showers...my ass!" - Noah, 314 BC



9. "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!" - JFK, 1963



10. "Aw c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1997





(Patrick Clo)



Experimental surgery



A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor.

The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis

are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's 

willing to try an experimental surgery. 



The guy asks what the surgery is.The doctor tells him they take the muscles

from the base of a baby elephants trunk,insert them in the base of his

penis,and hope for the best.



The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex

again is even scarier so go ahead.The doctor goes ahead and performs the

surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new

equipment".



The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner.

While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants.

It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he 

undoes his pants.

No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants,rolls across

the table,grabs a dinner roll,and disappears back into his pants.



His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments,then gets a sly look on her

face.



She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" 



With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says

"Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up  my ass!".





(Oz)



THE BEST 25 AUSTIN POWERS PICKUP LINES 




1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.



2. Nice legs..what time do they open?



3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.



4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?



5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?



6. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher.

Have you seen one?



7. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.



8. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Woolworths, so I could

ride you all day long for a quarter.



9. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.



10. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?



11. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a

light switch away.



12. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.



13. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by

morning.



14. (Look down at your crotch) Well, it's not just going to suck

itself.



15. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?



16. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?



17. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom

floor.



18. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming

it later.



19. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk

by again?



20. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.



21. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like

pizza?



22. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???



23. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in

them.



24. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into

this cheap motel room.





And my personal favourite...



25. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these

wet clothes.





(Jonathan Steingiesser)



Subject:Husband and wife fighting about sex



TO MY DEAR WIFE,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean

17 times it was too late

49 times you were too tired

20 times it was too hot

15 times you pretended to be asleep

22 times you had a headache

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby

16 times you said you were too sore

12 times it was the wrong time of the month

19 times you had to get up early

9 times you said weren't in the mood

7 times you were sunburned

6 times you were watching the late show

5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo

3 times you said the neighbours would hear us

9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

16 times you just laid there

8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling

4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with

7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished

1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move



TO MY DEAR HUSBAND,



I think you have things a little confused.

Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn't cum

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 4 times

you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running 2 times you had a

splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book 98 times you

were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV Of the times we did

get together:



The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the

sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, Would

you prefer me on my back or kneeling?

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to

breathe.





(Inneke Stephanie)



Moi & QEII




Daniel T. Moi gets an invitation from the Queen of England to go

and visit.One afternoon when drinking tea with the Queen, Moi

congratulates her on her long reign and asks the secret to her

success?



She tells him that she relies on her people a lot and therefore she

 must be certain that they are intelligent. She decides to show him exactly

what she means and phonesTonyBlair, the Prime Minister. "Now listen

carefully, Mr..Moi,

I'm going to ask Mr.. Blair a question to determine his  intelligence..."



Queen: "Oh hello Mr.. Blair, I have a question for you: Your

mother has a child your father has a child. This child is not

your brotherand not your sister... Who is he?"



Tony Blair: "It's ME!"



Queen: "Correct. Thank you, Bye"



Queen: "Did you get that Mr.. Moi?"



Moi: "Yes... T'anks a lot! I'll depinedly be using that!"



Once back in Kenya he decides that he has doubts about Hon. J.

Kamotho and he's going to ask him the question. He arranges a

 meeting with him and asks him: "Gamotho, I have a question for you...You

mother has a child. And your father has a child. Is not your brother, and

is not your sister... Who is it?"



J. Kamotho thinks..... And he thinks...... "Em.... You must geeve  me

sometime to think about eet..." and Mr. Moi decides to give him a

 day to come upwith the correct answer. That afternoon, J. Kamotho calls

 "bunge" to discuss the question and get an answer. But NOBODY knows!

They've

drawn up a Kamotho family tree, to no avail. The next morning, He realizes

that he has

to give Moi an answer and as a last resort, he decides to phone

Museveni...

"



"Museveni: yua mother has a shaod (child). Yua father has a (shaod) child.



Eet isi not yua brother, and not yua sister... Who ees eet?"



Museveni, answers immediately: "hey, charaay, It's me, of course,

you dumb Kenyan!"



Kamotho rushes to Moi's office, very impressed to know the answer

 to  such a difficult question!



"Mr. President, I know! I know who eet ees! Eetsi Museveni!"



Moi: "NO. You ah so stupeed. Eet is TONY BLAIR..!"





(Cliffy)



Breakfast in WTC




There are many stories about people who survived the

11th of September attacks in particular this one about

this executive who had his office in one of the Towers

of the WTC. On the 11th he told his wife head to leave

earlier for work because he had a business

breakfast...the only thing was that the breakfast was

with his mistress(minor detail). After several

attempts to get in touch with her husband, after

learning about the attacks the wife managed to reach

him on his cell phone and quite relieved asked him

"Where are you?", him not knowing about the tragedy

(you don't watch the news during...breakfast) replied

"In the office of course".





(Caxica)



Male Bashing




What is the similarity between a dolphin and a man?

They are both said to be intelligent, but no one can prove this.



What is the similarity between a microwave oven and a man?

They both get hot in 15 seconds.



Why can't a man be both handsome and intelligent?

Because that would make him a woman.



Why is a man's brain the size of a peanut?

Because it is swollen.



Why are batteries better than men?

Batteries have at least one positive end.



Why does it take one million sperm to fertilise one egg?

Because sperm are male and they refuse to ask directions.



Why are men like the letter Q?

Because it is a big fat zero with a small protrusion.



Why do fewer women get married these days?

Because they would rather have bacon in the fridge, than a pig in the

living

room.



What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man?

They go forwards, backwards, forwards, backwards, stop and eject.



Why is the male intelligence worth more than the female?

It is rarer.



Why do men prefer to marry virgins?

They cannot handle the criticism.



What do you call an attractive intelligent and sensitive man?

A rumour.



Why don't men go through menopause?

They never left puberty.





(marieanick)



Higher laws




 Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go

before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. 

    

 Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must

decide which of them gets in. 

     

 The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to

heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, 

   

"Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and  I'm

sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for

eternity." 

            

 The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. 

  

 The Queen drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her

purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. 

    

  The angel says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in." 

   

  Dolly is outraged. 

 "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own

perfect creations and you turn me down. She performs a rude act of 

 hygiene and she gets in. Can you explain that to me?" 

 

 "Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush  beats

two of a kind." 

                    



(Oz)



Chinese Couple




A Chinese couple gets married and she's a virgin. 



On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her 

husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: 



"My darring" he says, 

"I know dis you firs time and you berry  frighten. 

I plomise you, I give you anyfing you want,

I do anyfing - jus anyfin you want you say.

What you want?" 



A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) 

for her request. 



"I want ...... numma 69", she eventually replies. 



More thoughtful silence, this time from him. 

Eventually in a puzzled tone, he queries,

"You want... Beef with Broccoli?"





(Oz)



Turn Around




 A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this  great big huge

guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, 

looks down and says,

 "7 feet tall, 350 lbs., 20 inch penis,testicles weigh 3 lbs each, Turner

Brown." 

 

The small guy just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude

kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. 



He asks "Are you OK??" 



In a very weak voice the little guys says, 

"Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" 



The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured

I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. 

"I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh

3lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." 



The small guy says,

 "Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around' 

   



(Oz)



Your fly is open: how to say it..




20) The cucumber has left the salad.

19) I can see the gun of Navarone.

18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17) You've got Windows in your laptop.

16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.

13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?



AND! THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...



1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.





(Basquin)



Bridge





  A man walking along a California beach was deep in  prayer.

 All of a sudden,  he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

  Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a  booming voice, the Lord

said

  "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in

  all ways, I will grant you one wish".

  The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over

  anytime I want to.

  "The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.

  Think of the logistics of that kind of  undertaking. 

The supports required to reach the  bottom of the Pacific! 

The concrete and steel it would take!

  I can do it, but it is hard for me to  justify your desire for worldly

things.

  

  Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you

  think would honour and glorify me.

  "The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,

  "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. 

  I want to know how they feel inside, why they get upset in the  first

place, what  they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why

they cry,

  what they mean when they say 'nothing is wrong', and how I can make a

woman  truly happy?

  

 After a few minutes God took a deep breath and finally said, 

 "Do  you want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

 

 ___________________________________________________________

Driver





  The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her

and  took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she 

smacked him in the face.

 "What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we  screwed?" he asked. "It

was after you fell asleep that got you into  trouble," said the angry woman.

 "In your sleep, you felt my tits and  mumbled, 

 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured,

  'what a smooth finish.'"

  

  "What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.

 "Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled,

 'who the hell left the garage door open?"

 

 ___________________________________________________________

Midget





  A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet

tall  but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went

back to  the tall woman's apartment. 

"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the

woman, "especially with the size difference and  all." 



"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs

  apart and close your eyes," said the midget. 

The woman did as she was told  and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd

ever experienced inside her.

  Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times. 

 "If you think that  was good," said the midget with a smirk,

 "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in  there!"

  

____________________________________________________________

How Many





  A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to

  question her husband. 

 "I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How  many were there?"

 The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many.

Let's just leave it alone." The wife continued to beg and plead.

 

Finally, the husband gave in. 

"Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you,

eight, nine..."

 

 ____________________________________________________________

Liar





  "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal

seated next to him in the bar. 

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

 "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been,

she  said  she'd spent the night with hersister,Shirley." 

 "So?" the friend replied.

  "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"

 

 ______________________________________________________________

Love Dress





  A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother comes to visit.

  When she arrives, she is shocked to find her daughter standing naked at

the  front door.

 "What are you doing!" insists her mother. "Mom, it's my love

  dress! Don't you like it?"

 "I'll come back in a few weeks when the  honeymoon  is over," replies her

mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.

  

  A few weeks later, the mother arrives at her daughter's house once. Again,

she is shocked when her naked daughter answers the door to greet her. 

"Now  what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my love dress! It keeps the marriage 

spicy!"

  "I'll give you a few more weeks," replies her mother, as she turns and 

leaves for the car.

  

 Later that night, the mother decides to try it for herself. When her

 husband  arrives home, she greets him at the front door in the nude. 

  "Honey, what  are hell are you doing!" remarks the husband.

 "It's my love dress, dear! What  do  you think of it?"

 "Well, to be perfectly honest," replies her husband,

 "I think you should have ironed it first!"

 

 __________________________________________________________

Dead Pussy





  An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains

of  her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a 

dead  pussy." The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and

said,

  "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."

 

 ________________________________________________________________

Viagra





  In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, 

  Tylenol is Acetaminophen,  Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on. 

 The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra,

 and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.

  _________________________________________________________________

Nuts





  A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and

notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously 

masturbating. 

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

  One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry." 

 The  waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant

going  to help that situation??" 

One of the other businessmen replies: 

 "The menu  say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

  _

 ___________________________________________________________

100





  A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady

pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to 

helping  him he says,

 "I'd like 99 condoms please".

 With a surprised look on  her face the pharmacist says, 

 "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!" to which the guy  replies, 

 "Make it 100 then..."

 

 ______________________________________________________________

I am wonderful





  A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc,

you've  got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the

doctor  inquired.

 "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies.

  No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

  

  "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your 

self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom 

mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an 

attractive person. But, say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll 

have women buzzing all around you."

  

  The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit

excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression

on his face. 

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

  

  "Oh, it worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of

the  best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So,

what's your problem?"

  

  "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

  

________________________________________________________________

Balls





  Two Amish women were picking potatoes one autumn day. The first Amish

woman  had 2 potatoes in her hands. She looked at the other woman and said,

"these  potatoes remind me of my husbands testicles", and the other woman

said "are  his testicles that big?" , no she commented, "they're that

dirty".

  _

________________________________________________________________

Milk





  Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks 

away from his house when he realised he'd left his plane ticket on top of 

his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly 

entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the 

breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.

  

  She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and

squeezed  her left tit. "Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Jon won't

be here  for breakfast tomorrow."

 

 _________________________________________________________

Aids





  This guy is banging this girl, the girl asks, "You haven't got aids have 

you?" He replies, "No." 

She responds, "Oh, thank fuck for that! I don't want  to get that again!"

  ______________________________________________________________

Viagra





  A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, 

perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of 

fresh coffee?" He declines.

 "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken  the edge off my appetite."

  At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made 

soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a 

glass of milk?" Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says,

  "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

  At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to

the  cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a

pizza  from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a

couple of  minutes...?"

  Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really 

taken the edge off my appetite." 

"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind  getting off me? I'm fucking

STARVING!"

  __

__________________________________________________________________

Lips





  A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her

vagina lips are much to large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a 

secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor 

agrees.

  She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed

  beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I

thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

  "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. 

The first rose is from me.  I felt bad because you went through this all by

yourself. 

The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and

she had the  operation done herself." 

"Who is the third rose from?" she asked.

 "Oh,"  says  the doctor, "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn

unit.

 He wanted  to thank you for his new ears!"

  ________________________________________________________________________

Politics





  A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

  

  Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

 I'm the  breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, 

she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the

  Government.

 We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you  the people.

 The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. 

And your  baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

 Now, think about that and  see if that makes sense,"

  

  So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

  Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to

  check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

  So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother

  sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

  Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father

  in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

 The next  morning, the little boy says to his father,

 "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." 

The father says, "Good son,  tell me in your own words what you think

politics is all about."

 The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working 

Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored  and the

Future is in deep shit."



 ________________________________________________________________________

   Romantic Walk

  

  

  A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane.They

  Walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the guy's lustful desire rises to a 

peak.

  

   He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind  but

I really do need to pee."

  

   Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't

  you go behind this hedge."

  

   She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge.

  

   As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her

voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.

  

   Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a

   hand through the hedge and touches her leg.

  

   He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and

   with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long,thick apppendage

hanging between her legs.

  

   He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"

  

   "No," she replies. "I've changed my mind,I'm having a shit instead."

  

 ________________________________________________________________________

Three Daughters  





  A mother had three daughters, and on their wedding day, she would

  ask each of them to write home and tell her about their sex lives.

  

   The first wrote back on the second day after she got married. The

   letter arrived with only a single message, "Nescafe." The Mother was 

confused at first, but finally noticed a Nescafe coffee ad on a newspaper,

and it said;

   "Satisfaction, to the last drop..." So, the Mother was happy.

  

   Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home

  a letter. There was only one message, it read; "Benson & Hedges." So the

Mother looked for a Benson & Hedges' ad, and it says; "EXTRA LONG,

KINGSIZE."

  The Mother was happy.

  

   After the third daughter got married, the Mother was anxious to

   receive a message from her baby. It took 4 weeks for a message to arrive.

  When it did the message simply said "BRITISH AIRWAYS."

  The Mother was concerned. She frantically looked through all the

newspapers at home for a British Airways ad.

  She finally found one and fainted. The ad read:

  

   "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

  

 ________________________________________________________________________

Single?





  A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects some milk,

  some eggs, a carton of juice, and a packet of bacon.

  As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a man

  standing behind her in line watches her place the four

   items on the belt and states with assurance, "You must be single."

  

   The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing

   unusual about her selection says, "That's right.

  How on earth did you know." 

  He replies, "Because you're fucking ugly."

  

 ________________________________________________________________________

Potential and Reality





  A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his

  father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential

and reality?"

  

  His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it

  to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford

  for a million dollars.

  Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a

  million dollars.

  Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

  

  The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what

  his father means.He asks his mother,

  "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert

Redford?"

  His mother looks around slyly, and then with a

  little smile on her face says,

 "Don't tell your father,  but yes, I would."

  

  Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, 

 "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad

Pitt?"

  His sisterlooks up and says, "Omigod!Definitely!"

  

   The kid goes back to his father and says,

  "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two

million bucks, but in reality,

  we are living with two sluts."

  

 ________________________________________________________________________

 Animals 





  This guy walks into a bar in Kilkenny and orders a white wine.

  Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the

  Bartender looks around and says:

  "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"

  The guy says, "I'm from Dublin."

  The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Dublin?" 

  The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

  The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a

  taxidermist?"

  The guy says "I mount animals."

  The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, 

  "It's OK boys,  he's one of us!"

(Oz)

  


Nightmares





Nightmare #1 

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over,

pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to

find it, he asked the girl if she had one handy.  "There might be some matches

in the top drawer," she replied.  He opened the drawer of the bedside table and

found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another

man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.  "Is this your husband?" he inquired

nervously.  "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.  "Your boyfriend

then?" "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.  "Well, who is he

then?" insisted the bewildered guy.  Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me

before the operation." 



Nightmare #2 

The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying

to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his

wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "What should I do?" "Oh, I know." He

proceeded to get under the covers and have oral sex with his wife.  Soon she

began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure.  After a few minutes, her body

spasmed with ecstasy as she reached a huge orgasm.  Afterwards, the man went

straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth.



When he arrived, the light was on and he saw his wife brushing her hair.  He

exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?"



She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother." 



Nightmare #3 

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to

kiss each other goodnight at the front door, when the guy starts feeling a

little horny.  With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the

wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you crazy? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on!

Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks grinning at her.  "No, please. Can

you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all

sleeping!" "No way.  It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so

much!  "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can.

Please?" "No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ... " Suddenly, the light on

the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair

disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him

a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself

and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!" 



(Michelle)